by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Students have been alerted that international villain, Mr. McGueber, and his trusty sidekick, Squaddle, have been lent St. John Bosco High School’s Thunderdome to power their Ultimate Doomsday Device of Evil.

This cartoonishly large mechanical device has already been installed by Mr. McGueber and his crew and is being used to rip open the sky into another unknown universe. 

Basketball Head Coach Matt Dunn feels incredibly misled by the device’s installation. 

“We thought Mr. McGueber would install a froyo machine in the gym. Instead, he installed this massive doomsday device,” said Coach Dunn. “Now, we just have this big machine, impending doom and no froyo.”

Mr. McGueber has been nonstop bragging about how he was able to mislead everyone.

“I can’t believe I was able to finesse my ultimate doomsday device into this high school’s gym,” said Mr. McGueber. “Nobody is going to stop me from executing this plan.”

The gym, though dubbed the “Thunderdome,” ironically didn’t have enough electricity to power this big device. As a result, Mr. McGueber turned to using exactly 6,504 hamsters to power it. 

This solution was later shot down after outcry from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).

Despite being tricked into having the gym be used for his evil plan, Bosco will allow students to run on the comically large hamster wheels for credit in their Strength and Conditioning classes. 

Squaddle also had a hand in helping Mr. McGueber execute his plan.

“The whole thing was very easy. I just told Coach Dunn that we were going to add a froyo machine into the gym,” said Squaddle.

Issues have arisen, however, regarding the device’s function. 

“We tried to fire it two separate times but [the Doomsday Device] stopped because of how hot the gym got during a rally,” said Squaddle.

Students have somehow found a way to stay relaxed despite knowing about the device’s sinister possibilities. 

“We are so doomed, but I don’t really care,” said senior Jacob “Brice” Huxen. “[The Doomsday Device] was sort of just sitting out there for the whole rally. At the end, I even saw Mr. McGueber come out and yell at someone for no reason.”

Sources report that the Doomsday Device runs on the outdated Windows 98 computing system and Bosco Wi-Fi, which is the main reason why it takes such a long time to load up.

“I received money for the Doomsday Device, but not enough for a good operating system. Times are tough out here,” said Mr. McGueber. “I’ve been trying to funnel money from Bosco’s clubs, but that’s kind of illegal.”

“And I don’t do illegal things. Nor do I do anything wrong,” Mr. McGueber added with a wink.

Despite Mr. McGueber’s device being a literal world-ending machine, students have found ways to play certain video games on it.

“I got bored during gym class, so I installed Fortnite on the Doomsday machine and started cranking out 90s,” senior Jose Cruz said.

Upon hearing this, Mr. McGueber displayed visible confusion. 

“How do you even install the game? My machine doesn’t even have a screen on it. How in the world are you getting kills?” said Mr. McGueber.

While most students don’t seem to take Mr. McGueber and his threats of ending the world very seriously, he’s extremely serious about his plan. 

“You may think this Doomsday Device is nothing but a front for not paying my taxes, but I will show you the power of this big hunk of metal,” said Mr. McGueber.

After Mr. McGueber’s statement, he was hit with a door, which then made him fall down three flights of stairs. 

Consequently, his current plans of destroying the world have been halted. However, he is expected to make a speedy recovery from his mighty fall and continue his quest for world domination.