Category Archives: Lampoon

Lampoon: The Undisputed Top 10 Socially Distanced Thanksgiving Foods

by Nicholas Neoman

In a seemingly endless 2020, Thanksgiving is here! Finally! Perhaps the delicious, overpriced, half-eaten food that takes days to prepare can be the saving grace of a year than finds itself in the midst of a pandemic. Lest we forget, in a year where people are also struggling economically, but still find a way to spend large amounts of money on Thanksgiving dishes, only for a majority of it to end up as forgotten leftovers in the back of the fridge!

Pictured here is a luxurious, well prepared, and expensive Thanksgiving meal that will only be half-eaten!

Turkey is by far the most classic Thanksgiving food. Several years ago, I had the honor of preparing that magnificent beast for cooking and the results were undesirable. Cleaning out the uncooked turkey was not only revolting but also nauseating. As I was cleaning out the cold flesh, I was holding off my desire to vomit. The pale, squishy meat made me squeal like a mouse. As I was carrying the Turkey from the sink, where it was cleaned, to a pan for it to be dressed and seasoned, I dropped it as it slipped from my grasp. The uncooked turkey went sliding through the kitchen and I went diving after it. After recleaning it and a tirade from my mother, the turkey was dressed, cooked, and finally ready to eat. Just like how I spent a good portion of that Thanksgiving isolated in my room in timeout for ruining a turkey, stay isolated in your homes this Thanksgiving – Coronavirus is on the rise!

Stuffing is probably Robin to turkey’s Batman. Always by turkey’s side, stuffing never finds a way onto my plate. One year, my sister decided to freshly make the bread and create her own stuffing. Little did she know that the bread went stale before she cooked it and the whole dish became inedible. In a frenzy, my sister and I whipped up a new batch of bread and remade the stuffing; however, this delayed Thanksgiving dinner by multiple hours. After finally finishing off the stuffing and warding off my hangry family, Thanksgiving dinner was finally finished. Similar to how I keep stuffing off my plate, keep away from events that could give you Covid.

Cranberry Sauce, keeping up with this Batman analogy, is the Joker of Batman’s turkey. I find that only a small fraction of people can eat this dish, and yet it somehow finds its way onto the dinner table every single year. The first time I remember eating cranberry sauce was in the much regretted Thanksgiving meal I had at my elementary school. At that meal, I tried it for the first time and it did not agree with my stomach. Later that evening, I had become ill from food poisoning that I am convinced came from that excuse for a Thanksgiving dish. Because of this horrifying experience, cranberry sauce is something im not a fan of. I have never been able to think about that tangy sauce without subconsciously vomiting. In fact, people dedicate whole websites and blogs to discuss their hatred for cranberry sauce. To protect yourself from allowing cranberry sauce and covid into your mouth, wear a mask whenever necessary – like when my mother tried to get me to eat cranberry sauce last year.

Green Bean Casserole would be, in my opinion, better off if it wasn’t made in a casserole format. Simply take green beans and boil them, and call it a day. I still can’t fathom how green beans pair with creamy sauces and onions. Probably the most revolting part of the dish is what my cousin did to the dish last Thanksgiving. My whole family was settling down for dinner when my youngest cousin started to look over all the food to be served. She suddenly sneezed on the green bean casserole which made my skin crawl. Surprisingly, the casserole didn’t look any worse. The mucous from the snot blended in with the nasty casserole. From then on, green bean casserole has never had a positive image in my head. Plan on distancing yourself from the revolting green bean casserole and others – six feet apart at all times! The revolting flavor of green bean casserole can’t touch you from six feet out!

Mashed Potatoes are the cornerstone of my Thanksgiving. I simply cannot get enough of them. It has a simple yet elegant flavor that just keeps me craving. The rich, creamy texture dissolves in my mouth. Some people turn to alcohol on Thanksgiving, others bet on football games, I have my mashed potatoes. This year, I have been practicing my culinary skills. School in Covid is, to put it in layman’s terms, boring. It has driven me to cook food, which I normally only eat. Anyway, this year I was making some mashed potatoes to practice for Thanksgiving, and it honestly looked half decent. It looked so good that my 10 pound dog even wanted a taste. I went to the bathroom and when I returned, I saw white creamy mashed potatoes on my dog’s nose. Afterward, he vomited for a good half hour. Unlike my dog, make the wise decision this year and stay at home.

Ham is by far the best leftover food. As someone who cannot stand leftovers because the quality of the food is lessened by half, ham is the one exception that I fell in love with. After a long meal of eating, I can barely look at food for the next three days. The only thing I like to eat is a nice ham sandwich from Thanksgiving pigs’ butt. I honestly have nothing else to say about ham – no funny stories, no burning the kitchen down. I honestly recommend getting one – unlike Covid, please welcome a roast ham into your home.

Sweet Potato Casserole is what I like to believe to be the greatest dish that “counts as an entree.” I mean it has the word casserole in it, so it must be an entree, right? Anyway, I personally think that a dish that is as sweet as pie deserves to be both a dessert and an entree. Technically Sweet potato is a vegetable and marshmallows are desserts – combine them and you have a superfood! One Thanksgiving, my mom placed a Costco order for sweet potatoes and instead of order 1, she mistakenly ordered 11. That Thanksgiving became known as the “Sweet Potato Infestation.” Everywhere I looked that Thanksgiving, I saw bright orange casseroles haunting me. I still have nightmares in which every corner I turn in my house, there is a sweet potato casserole lurking. However, its unchallenged flavor and remarkable texture make for a delightful Thanksgiving – one that you want to keep Covid out of.

Pumpkin Pie is much better than apple pie. This is probably the most controversial opinion since Bosco removed meatball sandwiches from the menu. I just don’t get how creamy, smooth, rich, and sweet pumpkin pie is even mentioned in the same sentence as apple pie. Hands down, the greatest place to get pumpkin pie is Costco. While I have never been an active enthusiast for any crust – pizza, pie, sandwiches (Uncrustables all the way) – Costco’s pumpkin pie filling is the greatest invention in the history of mankind. I have said it once and I’ll say it again, “I could literally eat pumpkin pie filling for the rest of my life if the nutritional values changed.” Legend has it that there was an eleventh amendment in the Bill of Rights stating that pumpkin pie must be eaten at every Thanksgiving. Anway, before I get into a Lincoln-Douglas debate over the peculiar institution of pumpkin pie, I humbly say to buy or make one if you can. Watch out at Costco though because hoarding is becoming a trend again – which I don’t understand because they’re taking toilet paper and paper towels and not my precious pumpkin pie.

Apple Pie is an extra in my humble, objective opinion. While half of Americans seem to love it, I simply don’t. Don’t get me wrong, it has a fantastic flavor and texture. But I personally think that apple pie wastes precious calories that could be spent on pumpkin pie. I think my family secretly despises me for this opinion. While they are all staunch activists of apple pie, I quietly stand in the corner, eating my pumpkin pie. To be fair, I have some very fond memories of apple pie. Once, my mom bought one pie from Marie Calendars the day before Thanksgiving. My uncle’s dog slipped into the kitchen and gobbled the entire thing. My mother believed that one of her four children ate this tragically disgusting apple pie. After receiving veiled threats, to actual threats, to threatening to not buy Christmas presents, my uncle’s dog vomited the pie. I think that part of the reason I hate apple pies is because it threatened my Christmas. Anyway, don’t let Covid become the next apple pie where it nearly destroyed my Christmas – wash your hands at all times.

Hot Chocolate is the masked singer of the list. No one saw it coming! Honestly, I have been drinking festive hot cocoa since September, but who’s keeping track? Hot chocolate is the most delicious drink in history. The milk takes on the rich flavor of chocolate while still keeping the creamy texture of milk. Hot chocolate keeps you warm on cold winter nights. It comforts you during the loss of a football game – as a Bears fan, I know what that feels like. Even when people say that you can eat your feelings, no one ever mentions drinking them away with hot cocoa! Take the time out of your day to make a nice soothing cup of cocoa and catch up on necessary precautions to help defend yourself from Covid.

As you might have noticed, the coronavirus has been on the minds of everyone at the Brave News. Please take care of yourself this weekend as Covid case rates are beginning to rise once again. Be weary at stores when buying groceries for Thanksgiving because hoarding is becoming a trend again. Wash your hands, socially distance, practice sanitary measures, and most importantly eat some pumpkin pie. On behalf of the Brave Press, have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Lampoon: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Online Learning

by Pedro Ochoa

If someone last year told you that we would be doing all of our classes on our bed via ZOOM, would you have believed them? Of course not. Isn’t it weird that most of the time in our physical classes, our teachers would tell us that we had to put our electronics away? And now, they ask us to open our electronics, because if we don’t, then we will get marked absent. How things have changed in 2020!

Waking up five minutes before class, in your bed, and in your pajamas is amazing right? Can you imagine being in front of a screen for more than ten hours a day? Well stop imagining it, not only are you doing this now, but most of you were doing it before the pandemic (stop shaking your head – you know I’m right).  

Online learning has a lot of positives and negatives. First and foremost, every quarter is different for everyone. There have been many students that are pulling their hair out because they are taking their hardest classes in the first quarter, while some students are sleeping and dreaming of those sheep jumping on clouds because they have free periods. I know this because I was one of those sheep dreamers first quarter, while now I am starting to grow white hairs. 

The best part of online learning has been when the teachers tell us that our mental health matters, and to put some time to ourselves, because there is so much happening in the world right now. We deserve it, after all, they say. Then they tell us not to forget that we have a paper due the next day in MLA format, while also having twenty assignments, and don’t forget that big test at the end of the week that is worth 50% of your grade. How are we supposed to make time for ourselves when we have assignments due every day at 11:59 pm? Not only the students, but also the teachers who end up grading all this stuff. 

Some people are loving life right now, while some do not. Some students have the everyday routine of sleeping for more than fourteen hours a day, including naps, while some barely sleep six. It looks like the teachers have it worse than the students. Not only do they have to grade assignments and give lectures everyday, but they also have their own families and lives that have been turned upside down. Even though most of them have gotten the hang on how to use ZOOM, it’s pretty funny when a teacher is lecturing and there is a funny background noise coming from their microphone.

Zoom is just astonishing, right? The teachers went from telling the whole class to be quiet because we were talking too much in class, to now begging for us to turn our mics on to participate. Again, how things have changed! Also, don’t you love breakout rooms? Either we get put into a room with all of our best buds and we don’t want it to end, or we get put into a room where everyone just does not know how to unmute their mic. You either get the best breakout room or the worst, no in between.  

School ID pictures are this Saturday! Great! Saturday will show how many people are really drained because of the blue light that is projected from these screens. There will be many people with huge bags under their eyes. If you don’t want these, and want to look good for your pictures, listen up. Wet a cloth with cold water and hold it under our eyes for ten minutes. Does it work? I don’t know, I just looked it up on Wikipedia. 

By the way, teachers know when you switch tabs on Schoology and even when you sign up for Chegg.com. Don’t believe me? Read the terms and conditions and don’t just click, “I accept” next time. 

Also, make sure your microphone is muted, you don’t want to be the one that gets caught watching Tik Toks because you forgot to mute your microphone. 

Lampoon: “Quarantine Life” With Brave Staff Writer Joshua Whitfield ’20

by Joshua Whitfield

Staying at home gives me and many others what we’ve always wanted, to become one with our inner introverted selves and do nothing. Now after a month at least I am fed up with it, I now have cabin fever and it will very soon become insatiable until I can see someone other than the same 4 people I see every waking moment of every day.

Quarantine Article Picture

I have done what no man, woman, or child has ever attempted since the years of streaming tv shows and movies online became popular. I have finished my queue, My List, whatever you want to call it, my infinite pit of entertainment has run dry. I started off small by adding maybe one or two shows and think “Oh I can binge this next weekend”, but never realized I have made a fatal mistake. I created a queue that I was continuously adding to week in and week out of things to eventually watch, but before quarantine, I knew I was never going to catch up on all of this seeing as how I didn’t have the free time as I do now. But, once quarantine started I started trying to catch up, this was my opportunity to indulge in this impossible challenge I have made for myself. The challenge was to catch up on all my shows and movies, which added up to about 50 TV shows and movies altogether. Yet soon enough the one all-nighter of binging I did turned into multiple nights on a somewhat consistent basis, sometimes even consecutive all-nighters were thrown into the mix as if I couldn’t mess up my sleep schedule enough. But now one month into quarantine I finished over 30 movies and around 15-20 TV series. Once I completed the mission I set out for, I realized that quarantine now sucks even more than before.

I then went through a crisis of doing random activities and hobbies I wanted to get into such as cooking, reading, working out, or even spending time reflecting on decisions and my mental sanity while in quarantine.  Just yesterday my classes were done around noon and I walked outside went to the top of the hill in my backyard and sat there with no music or social media and fell asleep for an hour and a half while just looking at the sky on our turf thinking about life and what I should start doing better at.Quarantine parody picture

With my TV and movies now being a barren wasteland of bland unappealing no named titles in my eyes because I have seen everything I wanted to, I moved to more video games with my friends. I was hopefully going to scratch that itch for new fun things to do, but it made my quarantine mood even worse because all the time I spent watching movies and stuff I became rusty at the video games I was good at. Now when I hop on to play Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare, I get hit with a 360 drop shot even though I’m sitting in a corner. I came to the realization that I now suck at all my games that I was good at and gave up. Eventually, I ended up trying something most teenage boys have never attempted or thought of before, I went to talk to my family about their lives and what they’ve been up to. I ended up calling every contact I had on my phone whether it was with people I haven’t talked to in a while or cousins and relatives I haven’t even met that whose numbers I got from my parents. I just spent multiple hours rekindling relationships with friends and family.

With all this primal communication I even dug deep down and tried to talk with my older brother, but unlike all the other people I talked to, he’s not pleasant to be around because he still lives with me. Anyone who has an older sibling knows how easy it is to get under each other’s skin, which is what we do to each other. We get on each other’s nerves so much we question why we’re related to one another sometimes. With so much close physical contact he and I started calling each other out on small things we overlooked in the past, I talk about the way he walks inside the house and how small he is. He walks in singing but like most people who think they can sing, he is terrible at it but does it anyway. He plays the same music he sings through his speaker in his room sometimes very loudly and even though he’s had a month of free time like myself, he can’t bring himself out of the eight songs he sings almost every day.

My mom’s gossiping hobby that she enjoys is at an all-time high going so far as to talk about things I’ve said in voice chat with my friends every few days with everyone she talks to. My dad has not changed in the slightest since the quarantine, as he still goes to work. My dad and online classes are about the two things I feel indifferent about during this quarantine because sometimes I can get more hands-on help from certain teachers even easier than during the school year. Yet still for the two things that don’t feel are detrimental to my mind, body, and spirit, quarantine has ruined all of my enjoyable different media forms and forced me to adapt and to become a “normal human being” as my mom likes to address me as.

Lampoon: “Quarantine Life” with Brave Staff Writer Alex Rotter ’20

by Alex Rotter

I’m writing from where I’ve been for the last three weeks: my boring house in La Palma. First of all, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my senior year at home playing Fortnite. I’ve gotten a couple of DUBS in the past few weeks, but the teammates I play with make me rage a lot. Plus, I’m always talking trash about their skills, or lack thereof. 

confused screaming

I haven’t just been sedentary this entire time, though. I’ve also been doing a lot of “at-home workouts,” and frankly, it can get pretty extreme, especially when I start yelling for no apparent reason. I’ve been trying to push myself to get a better body, so I can impress more girls over the Summer, if that even happens. To be clear, the screaming is a total non sequitur to courting girls. That’s just something I’ve been doing, and I hope it doesn’t carry back over into public life once my quarantine is over.

Sometimes living with my family can get a little weird, especially my mom. She’s been understandably paranoid about the COVID-19 outbreak, but she’s gotten stricter than ever. When I go outside to do something and forget to leave my shoes outside, she will flip. Also, when I get food delivered, she’s constantly telling me to take it out of the box because the “COVID-19 is in there.” I tell her that doesn’t make sense because if the virus was attached to the box, it would be on my food too. I’m thinking she’s just going insane like everybody else in the world. But who knows? I’ve had trouble keeping track of every last CDC recommendation.

Further in her defense, I’m also going a little crazy and don’t know what I want do with my life anymore. The first couple weeks were pretty chill, relaxing for most part. Although this past week has been tough. I’m very lonely now and in need of help. I swear sometimes I think I’m not going to make it through this quarantine. At least once per day now, I will start talking to myself in the mirror, like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver or something, because I haven’t seen my friends in so long. They also have been doing virtual concerts online, which inevitably ends up with me dancing wildly in my living room.

I’ve been watching a new “Netflix Original” that you’ve maybe seen: Tiger King, which is about “Joe Exotic,” a guy who owns a ridiculous amount of tigers, and this other woman who “saves” the tigers, who apparently had her husband killed. The show has me laughing really hard. I now want to have a tiger as a pet.

When it comes to online classes, all that I can say is that it’s become abundantly clear that random YouTube videos and video games are more entertaining than my teachers’ video lectures.

I end up just sleeping for most of the day once I get my schoolwork done because I’m obviously limited to what I can do in my house. Every time they extend the date for quarantine and remote learning, I just want to cry and eat ice cream. I swear, at my house, there is only unhealthy food to eat and feel at the end of this quarantine I will be 30 pounds heavier regardless of my at-home workout efforts and deafening screams.

Lampoon: DNA Anomaly or Reincarnation? Coach McIntosh’s DNA linked to St. John Bosco

by Isaiah Holm and Timothy Levine

Once thought to have no biological descendants, results from a DNA test prove that there may be another Don Bosco out there.MACBosco

Ancestry.com, one of the largest genealogy companies in the world, has recently found a direct link between St. John Bosco High School’s very own Coach McIntosh and the founder of the Salesian order, St. John Bosco.

This is surprising news as Bosco was a priest that was known to have no children or direct descendants. One could surmise that the DNA comes from one of his siblings. However, there are no other links in DNA from previous generations prior to Coach McIntosh, making this connection improbable and what makes it seem nearly impossible is the fact that the DNA is 100 percent identical.

Margo Georgiadis, CEO of Ancestry.com, believes this to be some sort of DNA anomaly.

“We here at Ancestry have never before seen such an anomaly in DNA,” said Georgiadis. “To have a direct link in DNA over a century after the passing of St. John Bosco could not be possible without having descendants in between the two. It would have to be some sort of anomaly in which the DNA just happened to be similar. Since the DNA is exactly identical, this would seem to be impossible. However, there is a theoretical possibility, but it would be more than a 1 in 70 trillion chance.”

Other people seem to have a different explanation. The Salesian Order of Don Bosco believes that he is a reincarnate of the Saint himself. Father Ángel Fernández Artime, Head of Salesians, is one of the believers of this theory.

“Myself, and the rest of the Salesian Order believe that Tim McIntosh is the true reincarnate of our founder Don Bosco. We do not know how this happened but the Salesian Order truly believes it is a gift from God Himself,” Father Artime said. “God has made his will known to us: the world is need of another Bosco to continue his legacy and message. That is why I will be stepping down from my position as the Head of the Salesians, allowing for Tim McIntosh to take my place.”

Currently, the Cardinal for all over the globe are gathering in the Vatican to discuss the possibility of Sainthood with the Pope, due to the extraneous circumstances of the situation. It is unknown whether Coach McIntosh will be given the title of saint, although inside sources believe it is highly probable and will most likely take place within the coming weeks.

People all over the world have high expectations for Coach McIntosh to assume this role in the Catholic Church and the Salesian Order. However, Coach McIntosh has different ideas.

“I am flattered by the offer and the attention this has brought me, but I am not a saint, nor do I have any intention to become one. I will be continuing my work as both a teacher and coach as that is what I love to do,” Coach McIntosh said.

Could this be a strange anomaly or could it be the reincarnation of a saint? Either way, McIntosh has let us know that he plans on continuing his life as usual and moving on.