by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Detested St. John Bosco villain, Mr. McGueber, planned on creating an army using bio-enhanced pumpkins to cause mischief on October 31st.

Mr. McGueber was up to his old antics of trying to take over the world. This time, he ditched actual world domination, shifting his focus toward taking over Halloween.

“Look, world domination hasn’t really worked out in the past,” said Mr. McGueber. “[Doing something smaller] is nice for a change.”

Using pumpkins he stole from Bishop’s Pumpkin Farm in Wheatland, California, Mr. McGueber bio-enhanced them and built a full-on army.

“I had to steal [the pumpkins]! No one was even guarding the place,” said Mr. McGueber. “So, you can blame [Bishop’s Pumpkin Farm] when I take over Halloween.”

He brought the pumpkins to life using unethical practices before he tried to use them to cause trouble on Halloween, primarily by stealing candy from defenseless elementary school students.

“Think about it this way. Why should I go out of my way to buy candy from the store when I could just steal it from little kids?” said Mr. McGueber. “If I could dominate Halloween, then it means I’ll be able to dominate the world, right?”

Despite Mr. McGueber’s utterly ridiculous statements, some students found ways to stay calm during this extremely dire situation.

“If Mr. McGueber couldn’t take over a high school, I doubt he could take over Halloween,” said senior Roman Galindo. “I accidentally hit one of his pumpkin monsters with my bicycle.”

Students saw many holes in Mr. McGueber’s Halloween domination plan. The biggest problem was how the bio-enhanced technology failed to make the pumpkins look scary.

“I thought Mr. McGueber would carve faces so the weird pumpkin monsters would look intimidating but he didn’t,” said senior Jose Sedano. “He really didn’t. It’s very hard to be scared of blank-faced pumpkins with a metal stick ramming themselves into the walls every 3 seconds.”

Mr. McGueber seemed to know about these holes in his domination plan.

“Look, Squaddle usually checks my plans before I do them. But he was on vacation in the Netherlands for a couple of days so it was all up to me,” said Mr. McGueber. “Trying to ruin a holiday is much harder than ruining the world because I am very lazy.” 

Although his constant complaints of how hard his plan was, he was still incredibly delusional about the plausibility of his plan.

He planned to take over St. John Bosco again using his newfound non-FDA (Food and Drug Administration) approved pumpkin army. Unfortunately, he had too much confidence in his plans—his super evil attack being countered by stairs and his own pumpkins rebelling against him. 

“I thought the bio-enhanced pumpkins would at least have arms and legs. But no. They’re just pumpkins that roll around over people’s toes,” said senior Marco Uribe. “They couldn’t even make it past the front office doors.”

Mr. McGueber expressed some disappointment and anger in this foiled plan.

“It’s not my fault that this plan didn’t come to fruition. These unethical practices aren’t cheap, you know,” said Mr. McGueber. “It’s also not like I am going to get arrested for this. What cop is going to believe that people were attacked by pumpkins?”

On Halloween night, Mr. McGueber had barely any pumpkin monsters for his crusade.

“Look, my plan was ruined. Now, I have to steal something boring like Halloween decorations to pay off my debts,” said Mr. McGueber. “Best believe that this will not hinder my crime spree at all.”

Mr. McGueber was promptly arrested after making these statements—not because of the attack, but his failure to show up for jury duty. This solidified the halting of his plans for holiday domination. Two days later, however, he was released from jail—back on the streets of Bellflower to cause more mischief and try, once more, to achieve world domination.