by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

In a desperate attempt to make some money, famed troublemaker Mr. McGueber challenges Mike Tyson to a boxing match.

Mr. McGueber is no stranger to finding weird ways to try and take over the world. Unfortunately, due to fines issued by The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions (GNHA), his company, Gueber Incorporated, has declared bankruptcy.

Mr. McGueber has expressed his anger at having to go through this experience.

“I didn’t even know that the [GNHA] could give me fines like that,” said Mr. McGueber. “They are literally just there to interfere with my plans.”

Due to this bankruptcy, Mr. McGueber cannot build his infamous gadgets to take over the world. 

“Despite my giant loss, I am happy that my sidekick, Squaddle, is still with me,” said Mr. McGueber. “I also don’t pay [Squaddle] at all, why should I?” 

With his infinite wisdom, Mr. McGueber has now challenged Mike Tyson to a boxing match. Mr. McGueber has no boxing experience nor boxing training.

“Mike Tyson is 58 years old and weak. My chances of winning have gone up a lot,” said Mr. McGueber.

Netflix has already set up a deal with both participants, in which Mr. McGueber will get $15 million from the match.

“Once I get my $15 million, I won’t even think about saving it. I am going to make bad money decisions,” said Mr. McGueber. “We only live once, baby, I don’t care if I go into debt again.”

Students are confused on how and why Mr. McGueber was able to get a deal to fight Mike Tyson.

“Mr. McGueber can’t fight; he lost to his own shadow! I even have a video of him losing,” said senior Micheal Beaird.

Mike Tyson has made no comment about this whole ordeal. Mr. McGueber has made tons of comments about it.

“This is my redemption arc. This is where I lock in and become a legend in boxing,” said Mr. McGueber. 

A lot of people don’t believe that Mr. McGueber can really fight; some even believe that he can’t even fight his own sidekick, Squaddle.

“Look, I know I am supposed to be McGueber’s since day one, but I think he is going to fail miserably,” said Squaddle. “I am currently planning his funeral, ‘cause ain’t no way he is going to survive.” 

The fight is happening in the Bosco Quad instead of the Bosco Thunderdome, due to St. John Bosco staff not trusting Mr. McGueber in the gym after the whole “Doomsday Device” fiasco. 

The Tyson-McGueber fight will be the final bout of the event. There are other undercard matches, most notably a super heavyweight bout between English teacher, Mr. Vince Vigil, and Vice Principal of Student Conduct, Mr. Bob Linares.

Even though the main event will probably only last a couple of minutes, there are some random names to show up.

“Look, I am all in to watch Mr. McGueber get beat up, but I don’t want to watch Drew Finklebottom vs Locksmith Jones just to watch the main event,” said senior Ayden Fariester. 

The card will have some marquee matches including:

Featherweight: Vin Von Vagner vs Joe “The Pound” Steele

Featherweight: Wesmond “Westside” Shaw (C) vs Stin “The Stench” Stinkerson for CKI Championship

Lightweight: Drew Finklebottom (C) vs Locksmith Jones for PPT Championship

Super middleweight: Mr. Finger vs Red Delicious (Loser leaves The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions)

Super middleweight: Lydia “The Snow” Sherman vs Malia Buckson

Super heavyweight: Vince “The Vigilante” Vigil vs Bob “The Builder” Linares

Main Event: Mike Tyson vs Mr. McGueber 

The event will be live and streamed on Netflix. It will begin at 9 p.m. ET on December 19, 2024. Tickets will be sold on GoFan and Ticketmaster.