by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Legendary St. John Bosco High School disruptor, Mr. McGueber, aims to sell hot chocolate to students during break to fund more devious schemes.

With finals week in full swing, Mr McGueber plans to capitalize on cold Winter mornings by selling his famous hot chocolate to students in the quad. The special hot chocolate costs only a dollar, plus a special tax set by Mr McGueber.

“Look, I’m taking a little break from being evil and giving back to the community by making them pay for said things,” said Mr. McGueber. “But I run a business here, so I can’t give stuff out for free.”

While this looks good in theory – being a nice way to calm students down during their stressful finals – students and staff have started to figure out that McGueber has some ulterior motives.

“When I saw that Mr McGueber was going to sell his special hot chocolate, I knew it was going to be some type of scam,” said senior Bruno Salsameda. “He got like $15 million from the Tyson fight. Why does he need more money?”

Students have also witnessed Mr. McGueber infiltrating the kitchen. Luckily, a student was able to sneak their way into the kitchen to see what Mr.McGueber was cooking.

“The hot chocolate isn’t even hot chocolate, it’s just hot water with dirt in it,” said senior Jacob Huxen. “Honestly, I’m used to [Mr. McGueber’s] antics, so it doesn’t even phase me.”

When confronted about the scam, McGueber was visibly confused and hurt.

“How dare you compare my grandma’s recipe to dirty water?” said McGueber. “It’s been passed through my family for generations!”

Students doubt that it has been passed down generations, as the drink looks more like a sewer runoff than hot chocolate. 

“The man’s family must be from the gulag to think that mud shake is tasty,” said senior Evan Urbina. “We need to stop it from reaching the next generation.”

Newfound security footage of Mr. McGueber making his hot chocolate shows him getting water from a hose to make the hot chocolate. He then tries to use Hamburger Helper to see if that could help. To his surprise, it didn’t work. Eleven minutes into the footage, he stops and starts to exit from the kitchen. He then trips, spilling everything.

When Mr. McGueber was shown this footage he was mildly flabbergasted.

“That is not me, guys. That is my arch-nemesis and brother-in-law, Mr. Shank,” said Mr McGueber. “Clearly, he doesn’t like me, which is why he’s trying to interfere with my plans.”

Despite not taking any responsibility for his actions, Mr. McGueber still plans to sell his famous “hot chocolate.” He also plans to sell off-brand snacks with his dirty water drink. In fact, he actually made these snacks himself in his evil lair.

“Look, I want the quality of the snacks and food to be the best for my new victims,” said Mr.McGueber. “I’ve decided to add all the bad chemicals into my off-brand snacks so they can taste better.”

Clearly, McGueber is in denial that his hot chocolate and snacks will be tasty. Some students say he shouldn’t be in the food business at all.

“If he can’t succeed with his simple inventions, how would he be better at making snacks?” said senior Noah Wayner. “I’d rather have him try and take over the world than do this.”

Mr. McGueber also plans to donate the money raised from his “hot chocolate” to his charity.

“I’ll be donating to my ‘McCharity,’ known for creating many money laundering schemes,”  said Mr McGueber. “I’m being charitable to myself to show that I’m a decent human being!”

Students will be able to buy his “hot chocolate” and snacks from December 16-19 in the MPR, or wherever McGueber feels like setting up.