by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Earlier this week, as the Winter Formal event came up, the roster for Winter Formal King candidates was leaked. To many students’ surprise, a familiar name has popped up in the roster. Mr. McGueber is somehow one of the lucky individuals to appear on the list.

“I am so happy that I will be able to become Winter Formal King,” said Mr. McGueber. “Squaddle’s help of rigging the votes to my favor has finally paid off.”

Out of all the things Mr. McGueber has done, this seems to be one of the weirdest things. In fact, Mr. McGueber actually believes that becoming Winter Formal King will make him a real king.

“I will become Winter Formal King and unleash my frost powers onto my neighbor’s pool,” said Mr. McGueber. ”He thinks he is so cool because he has a pool and I don’t.”

Mr. McGueber was also seen at the interviews that St. Joseph High School hosted for the nominees, and it is apparent that when Mr. McGueber gets any amount of power, he gets very competitive. To everyone’s horror, Mr. McGueber has done some weird things to get his success. 

“When they asked [Mr. McGueber] if he wanted to do karaoke for his speech part, he just took out his shrink ray and started blasting,” said senior Diego Salcedo. “It was funny, but he shrunk the drink I had, so that made me mad at him.”

When Mr. McGueber was asked why he did all that stuff in the first place, the response was very serious.

In fact, parts of Mr. McGueber’s scrapped Winter Formal King speech were found in a trash can. Parts of it state his plans for when he is in power.

“Once I become Winter Formal King, I will spread my business over to St. Joseph High School, gaining control of two high schools,” said Mr. McGueber. “I hope you guys love to see big metal contraptions in the middle of your campus.”

“You will fear my mighty Gueberness and Squaddle.”

He then promptly began singing a song from his “exquisite music taste:” Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!”

Many students aren’t really concerned about Mr. McGueber becoming the Winter Formal King. In fact, they are even embracing it and letting it happen. 

“Our school may be in jeopardy, but I don’t care,” said senior Marco Uribe. “At least we can get a day off school if he actually takes over.”

While many students are all right, a lot of teachers and staff aren’t as happy. 

“I have no idea why Mr. McGueber even chose to run,” said Vice Principal of Student Affairs Ms. Jen Schnorr. “His name wasn’t even on the Google Form. How does he rig something like that?”

When asked about the possibility of not becoming the Winter Formal King, Mr. McGueber went into a rant on how he is the best choice to be the king.

“I will be voted in, so I see no reason for any competition,” said Mr. McGueber. “Once I get it, I will immediately abuse my ice and king powers to make things more convenient for me.”

The Winter Formal Dance will be happening on February 1st, 2025 at The Modern, from 8:00 pm to 11:00 pm. Tickets can be purchased on St. Joseph’s High School website.