by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Non-physically active super villain Mr. McGueber is to be drafted to St. John Bosco High School’s highly ranked basketball team.

Many students and players have shown their shock at the decision, since Mr. McGueber has shown to not be very athletic at all.

“Hey, put some respect on my name. I am a great basketball player,” said Mr. McGueber.

Mr. McGueber is now considered by the team to be the worst player ever. Despite this, Head Basketball Coach Matt Dunn explained why he drafted Mr. McGueber onto the basketball team.

“Look, he has the passion to play like Shaq and I feel he has the characteristics of an elite basketball player,” said Coach Dunn. “He also gave me some froyo to compensate.”

Many basketball players are furious about how Mr. McGueber is getting a push to the moon from Coach Dunn.

“Coach must be talking about Celtics Shaq, ‘cause there is no way Mr. McGueber is Shaq material,” said senior guard Elzie Harrington.

In fact, Mr. McGueber’s overall stats are in the negatives, due to most of the things he does on the court helping the other team. 

Mr. McGueber has some backstory with basketball and being on a team. He was previously on a team called the Idaho Mammoths. The team was well-respected and even won some important games in its prime. However, it all went down when Mr. McGueber joined the team. 

The Idaho Mammoths later fell into bankruptcy due to the many bills they had to pay to compensate for Mr. McGueber oddball, evil antics.

The Brave faithful are now terrified of what Mr. McGueber will do to the basketball team as they start the CIF-SS Open Division playoffs.

“We are not making it to finals ever again if we have Mr. McGueber on the team,” said one Bosco Basketball fan.

Mr. McGueber is loving the praise he is getting from Coach Dunn.

“This is an amazing opportunity to push Gueber Inc. into a wider audience of victims,” said Mr. McGueber. “I might as well get myself a new hour long Netflix special that shows how good I am at basketball.” 

All of Mr. McGueber’s claims of knowing how to play basketball are debunked as soon as he sets foot on the court.

“Mr. McGueber is like Adam Morrison on the Lakers, but instead of being good then declining, he started off declining and still is,” said senior guard Chris Komin. “Mr. McGueber literally wears clown shoes to basketball practice. I don’t know how he was drafted at all”.

Now with all this said, there is still no idea what position Mr. McGueber will play in the team, but Coach Dunn looks at him as a jack-of-all-trades. 

“Let me tell you, Mr.McGueber ain’t going to be a center with his 5’10” frame. He sure ain’t defending against tall players, and his aim is too bad to be a forward or any type of guard,” said junior guard Brandon McCoy, Jr. “Waterboy seems to be a contender, but I feel like Gueber would somehow mess it up.”

Despite all of this justified criticism, Mr. McGueber is still in high hopes for his first game.

“They all hate it, but when I get my hands on the ball, I totally will not airball my throws,” said Mr. McGueber.

Mr. McGueber was later seen crying in the corner in the St. John Bosco’s Thunderdome locker room listening to “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter.

Mr. McGueber’s first game will be on February 14, 2025 starting at 7pm. Be sure to order a ticket for the 2025 CIF Basketball playoffs using GoFan.