by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

With the second semester coming to an end, Mr. McGueber is trying to entice St. John Bosco seniors to join his evil endeavors.

A lot of seniors are in need of a scholarship to help pay off college tuition, and because of that, Mr. McGueber has now returned from his unexpected – but much needed – hiatus to showcase his newest evil plan.

Mr.McGueber is offering one lucky senior $120,000 scholarship to help them with college expenses. The said scholarship will be called “The McGuebership.”

“I am not really concerned with helping some kid’s dream of going to college. I just need another partner in my evil schemes,” Mr. McGueber said. “Squaddle is a good asset but having only two people in this can be hard”.

Loads of seniors are questioning why he is searching for another sidekick using this method.

“[Mr. McGueber] could have just made a LinkedIn page advertising this spot,” said senior Andrew Rios. “Then again, he is not going to pay them and use their labor for his own game”.

Mr. McGueber has expressed his frustrations with the recent complaints about his scholarship.

“Why can’t I use unpaid labor without people telling me it’s illegal?” said Mr. McGueber. “I know it’s illegal; just let me be.”

Mr. McGueber was seen with other bad guys before making this scholarship, and it is rumored that said meetings did not go very well.

One of the guys Mr. McGueber was seen with, Philly Buster, is notorious for not being able to stop talking about Philadelphia. He was also seen with an infamous evil trio of clowns named “Los Globos”.

“Look, those people I was seen with are not suitable to be my second sidekick,” said Mr. McGueber. “I know they will backstab me for a cheeseburger. That’s why I trust Squaddle so much and not them”.

Many seniors are wondering how they can apply to pay off most of their tuition fees.

“It’s easy just give me your Social Security number and $10 in cash,” said Mr McGueber. “It’s a wonderful investment, guys. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity”.

As many seniors wonder if Mr McGueber will follow through on his promise of $120,000, a source closely tied to Mr. McGueber’s past reveals vital never before seen information about him.

“This isn’t the first con he will attempt or try; in fact he has been doing this since our college days,” said evil inventor, Cyrus the Virus. “Me, Pants Escobar and Mr. McGueber have been doing this stuff for years and Mr. McGueber has always been the weakest link.”

Despite being a con-artist, some students still have a bit of trust in Mr. McGueber’s new scholarship. 

“I kind of signed up as a joke, but looking at the pros, they seem to outweigh the cons,” said senior Emmanuel Garcia. “I have a chance to turn heel and probably get paid. I couldn’t work it out being good so maybe being evil will help me.”

Students also wonder how Mr. McGueber got that type of money, especially when he blew all of that Netflix money from his fight with Mike Tyson on European Hot Pockets and international phone calls.

Even if you can avoid the cons of unpaid labor and possible jail time for Mr. McGueber’s petty crimes, the scholarship is still not a good idea.

The way Mr. McGueber lays out how to apply is to meet him at his lair between his office hour time slot. The problem is the office hours are unknown to everyone and his lair is still untraceable.

Mr. McGueber still thinks seniors can find his secret lair even after all this time.

“You guys are seniors. You should know this whole school like the back of your hand,” said Mr. McGueber.

Surprisingly many students signed up for the scholarship despite not knowing where his lair is.

“I messaged him to meet up for the offer, and when I asked for directions for his lair, he gave me a cut out maze from a cereal box,” said senior Roman Galindo.

Perhaps this is the ultimate test to see who will earn Mr. McGueber’s cash prize. We’ll see if any Bosco seniors can locate his lair and hold him to his promises.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Untalented supervillain Mr. McGueber throws his hat into the drama scene with his own play.

Mr. McGueber has done some pretty weird activities in St. John Bosco. Now, he is trying his luck as a director and playwright.

Mr. McGueber is naming the new play I Forgot My Car Keys in My Car, which is set to rival St John Bosco’s newest theater production Jersey Boys. 

Many students, including the cast of Jersey Boys, don’t mind the competition.

“If the competition is Mr. McGueber, we don’t have to worry that much,” said junior William Pearce. “He has no real budget or even crew to help him set up all this stuff.”

Students are also wondering about the plot of I Forgot My Car Keys in My Car. 

Mr. McGueber says the story is a harrowing tale of someone losing their car keys.

“It’s about a very handsome man that forgets his car keys in his car,” said Mr. McGueber. “Already a better plot than the other play, like come on people. There is drama in this.”

Despite stating how wonderful this play will be, Mr. McGueber cannot use the Bosco Theater.

This restriction was implemented because of a scene in the play where the main character blows his car up to get his car keys.

Opting for an immersive experience, Mr. McGueber used a combination of smoke and fart bombs thinking it would create an explosion. However, it only left a nasty smell that still lingers in the theater. 

“It’s a shame; we had to stop rehearsing due to Mr. McGueber’s shenanigans,” said senior Dominic Navarro. “He also left several empty cologne bottles in our dressing rooms thinking it would block out the horrendous smell.”

With no place to set up the play, Mr. McGueber is now rehearsing in the Bosco Community Garden of all places.

Students are also wondering how Mr. McGueber even had the time to write a script and cast auditions for this theatrical performance. 

“I had Squaddle write up a script, but his handwriting was so bad that I decided to just go with the flow,” said Mr. McGueber. “I am also just snatching random Bosco and St. Joseph’s students to do this play.”

Mr. McGueber is set to make this the best play that, in his words, will “revive Shakespeare himself.”

Things have gotten so out of hand to the point where Mr. Martin Lang, Bosco’s Director of Theater Production, has tried to figure out what the play really is. 

“I feel anyone could get into theatrical performance if they poured their heart and soul into working on it,” said Mr. Lang. “Creativity is needed, but Mr. McGueber is the one person I feel is terrible at doing anything. This can make this play a hard watch for everyone.”

Mr. McGueber is going to sell tickets for $20 per person. 

“I want money and I want it now, so people better pay for this wonderful experience,” said Mr. McGueber. “It’s beautiful seeing how to get over unknown emotions.”

The characters in the play have been quite weird as the story has odd characters like a set of car keys, Mr. McGueber himself, a ham and cheese sandwich, a dude named Sticky Ricky, a woman named Furious Felicia and many more wacky characters.

The Bosco Theater has nothing to fear with Mr. McGueber putting on a play, as his plans always end up in a train wreck.

Much of the cast from Jersey Boys got curious about how Mr. McGueber would rehearse so they spied on the rehearsal of I Forgot My Car Keys in My Car. 

“There was not really a rehearsal, it was just Mr. McGueber doing stand-up which was really bad,” said St. Joseph senior Jolynn Hallum. “I would rather watch grass grow.”

Despite the criticism, Mr. McGueber is still set on having one sided beef with the whole Bosco Theater program.

“People don’t want to see a show like that, they want to see something astounding like my play,” said Mr. McGueber. “It’s 100% authentic. I even brought a real ham and cheese sandwich to play the character.”

Mr. McGueber has so much beef with the theater that he even started to put his own poorly made flyers on top of the Jersey Boys flyers around campus.

“I feel it’s very unprofessional for Mr. McGueber to do any of this for a play made purely out of spite,” said junior Kai Maldonado. “The flyers are basically the school’s toilet paper with ‘Come to my show, please’ written on it with crayon. At least he said ‘please.’”

With all of this said, it’s still unknown what type of play it would be, as Mr. McGueber changes his answer every time it’s mentioned. 

“It’s like an investment. You pay to see the play and you are given the best play in the entire world for a cheap price,” said Mr. McGueber. “I totally won’t leave with the money and scam people out of their hard-earned money. I am not evil – remember that.” 

With all this hype that Mr. McGueber is making about the play, there is a massive problem that he has skimmed through.

Since Mr. McGueber can’t use the theater, he won’t be able to sell his tickets there either.

To purchase tickets, students need to go to Mr. McGueber’s lair located on the campus. 

Unfortunately for him, nobody really knows where Mr. McGueber’s lair really is, and Mr. McGueber is not taking any type of online pay.

“I searched far and wide throughout the school but I can’t seem to locate Mr. McGueber’s lair to buy the tickets,” said junior Andrew Iona-Tuivaiti. “You would think if something is so hyped, it would be easy to get but apparently not in this situation.”

Even with all of these issues,  Mr. McGueber will still do the play I Forgot My Car Keys in My Car. Showtimes for the play are unknown, as Mr. McGueber is too lazy to make a correct date.

Additionally, Mr.McGueber has already bought rights to more plays like Ear Candy I Slipped On A Banana Peel and My Balloon Left Me At The Train Station.

All the cast and crew of Jersey Boys would love to see everyone come and support the arts with a better play. Tickets for Jersey Boys are available on TicketLeap. Showtimes start at 7:30pm on Fridays and Saturdays and at 2:30pm on Sundays, from March 14-16 and 21-23. All performances are to happen in the Bosco Theater.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Non-physically active super villain Mr. McGueber is to be drafted to St. John Bosco High School’s highly ranked basketball team.

Many students and players have shown their shock at the decision, since Mr. McGueber has shown to not be very athletic at all.

“Hey, put some respect on my name. I am a great basketball player,” said Mr. McGueber.

Mr. McGueber is now considered by the team to be the worst player ever. Despite this, Head Basketball Coach Matt Dunn explained why he drafted Mr. McGueber onto the basketball team.

“Look, he has the passion to play like Shaq and I feel he has the characteristics of an elite basketball player,” said Coach Dunn. “He also gave me some froyo to compensate.”

Many basketball players are furious about how Mr. McGueber is getting a push to the moon from Coach Dunn.

“Coach must be talking about Celtics Shaq, ‘cause there is no way Mr. McGueber is Shaq material,” said senior guard Elzie Harrington.

In fact, Mr. McGueber’s overall stats are in the negatives, due to most of the things he does on the court helping the other team. 

Mr. McGueber has some backstory with basketball and being on a team. He was previously on a team called the Idaho Mammoths. The team was well-respected and even won some important games in its prime. However, it all went down when Mr. McGueber joined the team. 

The Idaho Mammoths later fell into bankruptcy due to the many bills they had to pay to compensate for Mr. McGueber oddball, evil antics.

The Brave faithful are now terrified of what Mr. McGueber will do to the basketball team as they start the CIF-SS Open Division playoffs.

“We are not making it to finals ever again if we have Mr. McGueber on the team,” said one Bosco Basketball fan.

Mr. McGueber is loving the praise he is getting from Coach Dunn.

“This is an amazing opportunity to push Gueber Inc. into a wider audience of victims,” said Mr. McGueber. “I might as well get myself a new hour long Netflix special that shows how good I am at basketball.” 

All of Mr. McGueber’s claims of knowing how to play basketball are debunked as soon as he sets foot on the court.

“Mr. McGueber is like Adam Morrison on the Lakers, but instead of being good then declining, he started off declining and still is,” said senior guard Chris Komin. “Mr. McGueber literally wears clown shoes to basketball practice. I don’t know how he was drafted at all”.

Now with all this said, there is still no idea what position Mr. McGueber will play in the team, but Coach Dunn looks at him as a jack-of-all-trades. 

“Let me tell you, Mr.McGueber ain’t going to be a center with his 5’10” frame. He sure ain’t defending against tall players, and his aim is too bad to be a forward or any type of guard,” said junior guard Brandon McCoy, Jr. “Waterboy seems to be a contender, but I feel like Gueber would somehow mess it up.”

Despite all of this justified criticism, Mr. McGueber is still in high hopes for his first game.

“They all hate it, but when I get my hands on the ball, I totally will not airball my throws,” said Mr. McGueber.

Mr. McGueber was later seen crying in the corner in the St. John Bosco’s Thunderdome locker room listening to “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter.

Mr. McGueber’s first game will be on February 14, 2025 starting at 7pm. Be sure to order a ticket for the 2025 CIF Basketball playoffs using GoFan.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Earlier this week, as the Winter Formal event came up, the roster for Winter Formal King candidates was leaked. To many students’ surprise, a familiar name has popped up in the roster. Mr. McGueber is somehow one of the lucky individuals to appear on the list.

“I am so happy that I will be able to become Winter Formal King,” said Mr. McGueber. “Squaddle’s help of rigging the votes to my favor has finally paid off.”

Out of all the things Mr. McGueber has done, this seems to be one of the weirdest things. In fact, Mr. McGueber actually believes that becoming Winter Formal King will make him a real king.

“I will become Winter Formal King and unleash my frost powers onto my neighbor’s pool,” said Mr. McGueber. ”He thinks he is so cool because he has a pool and I don’t.”

Mr. McGueber was also seen at the interviews that St. Joseph High School hosted for the nominees, and it is apparent that when Mr. McGueber gets any amount of power, he gets very competitive. To everyone’s horror, Mr. McGueber has done some weird things to get his success. 

“When they asked [Mr. McGueber] if he wanted to do karaoke for his speech part, he just took out his shrink ray and started blasting,” said senior Diego Salcedo. “It was funny, but he shrunk the drink I had, so that made me mad at him.”

When Mr. McGueber was asked why he did all that stuff in the first place, the response was very serious.

In fact, parts of Mr. McGueber’s scrapped Winter Formal King speech were found in a trash can. Parts of it state his plans for when he is in power.

“Once I become Winter Formal King, I will spread my business over to St. Joseph High School, gaining control of two high schools,” said Mr. McGueber. “I hope you guys love to see big metal contraptions in the middle of your campus.”

“You will fear my mighty Gueberness and Squaddle.”

He then promptly began singing a song from his “exquisite music taste:” Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!”

Many students aren’t really concerned about Mr. McGueber becoming the Winter Formal King. In fact, they are even embracing it and letting it happen. 

“Our school may be in jeopardy, but I don’t care,” said senior Marco Uribe. “At least we can get a day off school if he actually takes over.”

While many students are all right, a lot of teachers and staff aren’t as happy. 

“I have no idea why Mr. McGueber even chose to run,” said Vice Principal of Student Affairs Ms. Jen Schnorr. “His name wasn’t even on the Google Form. How does he rig something like that?”

When asked about the possibility of not becoming the Winter Formal King, Mr. McGueber went into a rant on how he is the best choice to be the king.

“I will be voted in, so I see no reason for any competition,” said Mr. McGueber. “Once I get it, I will immediately abuse my ice and king powers to make things more convenient for me.”

The Winter Formal Dance will be happening on February 1st, 2025 at The Modern, from 8:00 pm to 11:00 pm. Tickets can be purchased on St. Joseph’s High School website.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Ill-famed villain Mr. McGueber aims to teach students about the wonders of Social Studies.

As students are now settling into the second semester and getting their classes, there is speculation about a new teacher joining the St. John Bosco family. 

The speculation was shot down on January 7th, when students received their class lists and saw that their new Social Studies teacher was Mr. McGueber. 

The title of the said course is called “Gueberism and You.”

“I’m going to teach kids about the real stuff they should learn in the world,” said Mr. McGueber. “I am going to be the best teacher that these students have seen.”

A lot of students and staff are shocked about this decision, as Mr. McGueber has an unsavory past with St. John Bosco. Many students are wondering why Mr. McGueber has been forgiven for all of his wacky antics, including attempts to take over the world and the school.

Bosco Principal Mr. Ernie Antonelli gave his reasons why Mr. McGueber was even chosen for this type of job.

“Look, [Mr.McGueber] sent me a muffin basket and a crudely drawn sad face telling me that he is sorry for all he has done to the school,” said Mr. Antonelli. “I like muffins, so of course I accepted his apology even though he tried to take over the school many times.”

Despite the lack of knowledge about Social Studies as a whole, Mr McGueber aims to give it his all. In fact, he claims to have a new way of teaching and way of life.

“I call this new teaching ‘Gueberism,’” said Mr. McGueber. “Gueberism is the teaching where you think that I am super cool and you give me all of your money; it’s something kids should learn at this time of their life.”

Surprisingly, other teachers don’t seem to mind Mr. McGueber’s weird teaching antics. In fact, they seem to enjoy Mr McGueber’s presence.

“I am glad I don’t have to share a classroom with Mr. McGueber. I have heard he does some weird stuff in his class,” said Social Studies Instructor Mr. Voortman. “He gave me a pamphlet on Gueberism, and I am not going to lie; it’s kind of a good way to make some cash.”

Students who are currently taking the course say the exact opposite thing.

“At first, I thought [Mr.McGueber] was a chill dude who didn’t care what people thought about him, but after a couple minutes he just started freaking out,” said senior Jack Snow. “He didn’t even teach. He just showed us a pre-recorded video of him talking about Gueberism and then started to sleep on the floor.”

Mr. McGueber also brings in guest speakers to talk to the class. The problem is that the speakers are very random.

During one class, he brought a supervillain named Philly Buster who is infamous for being unable to stop talking. In fact, Philly Buster didn’t even talk about Social Studies; he just talked about how his fantasy football team is the best.

To students, the homework he assigns seems strange.

“The first assignment, Mr. McGueber told us to do was a word search, but somehow there weren’t any words and just hieroglyphics,” said senior Julian Almanza. “Then, we had to write an essay on Mr. McGueber’s achievements. I got a bad grade mostly because [Mr. McGueber] can’t do anything right!”

Mr. McGueber also implemented a wider scoring system, which includes all of the letters of the alphabet. This would mean an F isn’t a failing grade nor a bad grade in his class.

“The worst grade you can get in my class is a ‘Z-’. If you get it, it’s your fault. My course is so easy,” said Mr. McGueber.

Schoology can’t output that type of grade, so it instantly gives students an A in their grade. This means that, once again, Mr. McGueber’s weird wacky ways have failed once again.

Despite all of these complaints from students, Mr. McGueber will continue to teach Gueberism to all the unfortunate students who happen to take his class.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Legendary St. John Bosco High School disruptor, Mr. McGueber, aims to sell hot chocolate to students during break to fund more devious schemes.

With finals week in full swing, Mr McGueber plans to capitalize on cold Winter mornings by selling his famous hot chocolate to students in the quad. The special hot chocolate costs only a dollar, plus a special tax set by Mr McGueber.

“Look, I’m taking a little break from being evil and giving back to the community by making them pay for said things,” said Mr. McGueber. “But I run a business here, so I can’t give stuff out for free.”

While this looks good in theory – being a nice way to calm students down during their stressful finals – students and staff have started to figure out that McGueber has some ulterior motives.

“When I saw that Mr McGueber was going to sell his special hot chocolate, I knew it was going to be some type of scam,” said senior Bruno Salsameda. “He got like $15 million from the Tyson fight. Why does he need more money?”

Students have also witnessed Mr. McGueber infiltrating the kitchen. Luckily, a student was able to sneak their way into the kitchen to see what Mr.McGueber was cooking.

“The hot chocolate isn’t even hot chocolate, it’s just hot water with dirt in it,” said senior Jacob Huxen. “Honestly, I’m used to [Mr. McGueber’s] antics, so it doesn’t even phase me.”

When confronted about the scam, McGueber was visibly confused and hurt.

“How dare you compare my grandma’s recipe to dirty water?” said McGueber. “It’s been passed through my family for generations!”

Students doubt that it has been passed down generations, as the drink looks more like a sewer runoff than hot chocolate. 

“The man’s family must be from the gulag to think that mud shake is tasty,” said senior Evan Urbina. “We need to stop it from reaching the next generation.”

Newfound security footage of Mr. McGueber making his hot chocolate shows him getting water from a hose to make the hot chocolate. He then tries to use Hamburger Helper to see if that could help. To his surprise, it didn’t work. Eleven minutes into the footage, he stops and starts to exit from the kitchen. He then trips, spilling everything.

When Mr. McGueber was shown this footage he was mildly flabbergasted.

“That is not me, guys. That is my arch-nemesis and brother-in-law, Mr. Shank,” said Mr McGueber. “Clearly, he doesn’t like me, which is why he’s trying to interfere with my plans.”

Despite not taking any responsibility for his actions, Mr. McGueber still plans to sell his famous “hot chocolate.” He also plans to sell off-brand snacks with his dirty water drink. In fact, he actually made these snacks himself in his evil lair.

“Look, I want the quality of the snacks and food to be the best for my new victims,” said Mr.McGueber. “I’ve decided to add all the bad chemicals into my off-brand snacks so they can taste better.”

Clearly, McGueber is in denial that his hot chocolate and snacks will be tasty. Some students say he shouldn’t be in the food business at all.

“If he can’t succeed with his simple inventions, how would he be better at making snacks?” said senior Noah Wayner. “I’d rather have him try and take over the world than do this.”

Mr. McGueber also plans to donate the money raised from his “hot chocolate” to his charity.

“I’ll be donating to my ‘McCharity,’ known for creating many money laundering schemes,”  said Mr McGueber. “I’m being charitable to myself to show that I’m a decent human being!”

Students will be able to buy his “hot chocolate” and snacks from December 16-19 in the MPR, or wherever McGueber feels like setting up.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

In a desperate attempt to make some money, famed troublemaker Mr. McGueber challenges Mike Tyson to a boxing match.

Mr. McGueber is no stranger to finding weird ways to try and take over the world. Unfortunately, due to fines issued by The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions (GNHA), his company, Gueber Incorporated, has declared bankruptcy.

Mr. McGueber has expressed his anger at having to go through this experience.

“I didn’t even know that the [GNHA] could give me fines like that,” said Mr. McGueber. “They are literally just there to interfere with my plans.”

Due to this bankruptcy, Mr. McGueber cannot build his infamous gadgets to take over the world. 

“Despite my giant loss, I am happy that my sidekick, Squaddle, is still with me,” said Mr. McGueber. “I also don’t pay [Squaddle] at all, why should I?” 

With his infinite wisdom, Mr. McGueber has now challenged Mike Tyson to a boxing match. Mr. McGueber has no boxing experience nor boxing training.

“Mike Tyson is 58 years old and weak. My chances of winning have gone up a lot,” said Mr. McGueber.

Netflix has already set up a deal with both participants, in which Mr. McGueber will get $15 million from the match.

“Once I get my $15 million, I won’t even think about saving it. I am going to make bad money decisions,” said Mr. McGueber. “We only live once, baby, I don’t care if I go into debt again.”

Students are confused on how and why Mr. McGueber was able to get a deal to fight Mike Tyson.

“Mr. McGueber can’t fight; he lost to his own shadow! I even have a video of him losing,” said senior Micheal Beaird.

Mike Tyson has made no comment about this whole ordeal. Mr. McGueber has made tons of comments about it.

“This is my redemption arc. This is where I lock in and become a legend in boxing,” said Mr. McGueber. 

A lot of people don’t believe that Mr. McGueber can really fight; some even believe that he can’t even fight his own sidekick, Squaddle.

“Look, I know I am supposed to be McGueber’s since day one, but I think he is going to fail miserably,” said Squaddle. “I am currently planning his funeral, ‘cause ain’t no way he is going to survive.” 

The fight is happening in the Bosco Quad instead of the Bosco Thunderdome, due to St. John Bosco staff not trusting Mr. McGueber in the gym after the whole “Doomsday Device” fiasco. 

The Tyson-McGueber fight will be the final bout of the event. There are other undercard matches, most notably a super heavyweight bout between English teacher, Mr. Vince Vigil, and Vice Principal of Student Conduct, Mr. Bob Linares.

Even though the main event will probably only last a couple of minutes, there are some random names to show up.

“Look, I am all in to watch Mr. McGueber get beat up, but I don’t want to watch Drew Finklebottom vs Locksmith Jones just to watch the main event,” said senior Ayden Fariester. 

The card will have some marquee matches including:

Featherweight: Vin Von Vagner vs Joe “The Pound” Steele

Featherweight: Wesmond “Westside” Shaw (C) vs Stin “The Stench” Stinkerson for CKI Championship

Lightweight: Drew Finklebottom (C) vs Locksmith Jones for PPT Championship

Super middleweight: Mr. Finger vs Red Delicious (Loser leaves The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions)

Super middleweight: Lydia “The Snow” Sherman vs Malia Buckson

Super heavyweight: Vince “The Vigilante” Vigil vs Bob “The Builder” Linares

Main Event: Mike Tyson vs Mr. McGueber 

The event will be live and streamed on Netflix. It will begin at 9 p.m. ET on December 19, 2024. Tickets will be sold on GoFan and Ticketmaster.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Detested St. John Bosco villain, Mr. McGueber, planned on creating an army using bio-enhanced pumpkins to cause mischief on October 31st.

Mr. McGueber was up to his old antics of trying to take over the world. This time, he ditched actual world domination, shifting his focus toward taking over Halloween.

“Look, world domination hasn’t really worked out in the past,” said Mr. McGueber. “[Doing something smaller] is nice for a change.”

Using pumpkins he stole from Bishop’s Pumpkin Farm in Wheatland, California, Mr. McGueber bio-enhanced them and built a full-on army.

“I had to steal [the pumpkins]! No one was even guarding the place,” said Mr. McGueber. “So, you can blame [Bishop’s Pumpkin Farm] when I take over Halloween.”

He brought the pumpkins to life using unethical practices before he tried to use them to cause trouble on Halloween, primarily by stealing candy from defenseless elementary school students.

“Think about it this way. Why should I go out of my way to buy candy from the store when I could just steal it from little kids?” said Mr. McGueber. “If I could dominate Halloween, then it means I’ll be able to dominate the world, right?”

Despite Mr. McGueber’s utterly ridiculous statements, some students found ways to stay calm during this extremely dire situation.

“If Mr. McGueber couldn’t take over a high school, I doubt he could take over Halloween,” said senior Roman Galindo. “I accidentally hit one of his pumpkin monsters with my bicycle.”

Students saw many holes in Mr. McGueber’s Halloween domination plan. The biggest problem was how the bio-enhanced technology failed to make the pumpkins look scary.

“I thought Mr. McGueber would carve faces so the weird pumpkin monsters would look intimidating but he didn’t,” said senior Jose Sedano. “He really didn’t. It’s very hard to be scared of blank-faced pumpkins with a metal stick ramming themselves into the walls every 3 seconds.”

Mr. McGueber seemed to know about these holes in his domination plan.

“Look, Squaddle usually checks my plans before I do them. But he was on vacation in the Netherlands for a couple of days so it was all up to me,” said Mr. McGueber. “Trying to ruin a holiday is much harder than ruining the world because I am very lazy.” 

Although his constant complaints of how hard his plan was, he was still incredibly delusional about the plausibility of his plan.

He planned to take over St. John Bosco again using his newfound non-FDA (Food and Drug Administration) approved pumpkin army. Unfortunately, he had too much confidence in his plans—his super evil attack being countered by stairs and his own pumpkins rebelling against him. 

“I thought the bio-enhanced pumpkins would at least have arms and legs. But no. They’re just pumpkins that roll around over people’s toes,” said senior Marco Uribe. “They couldn’t even make it past the front office doors.”

Mr. McGueber expressed some disappointment and anger in this foiled plan.

“It’s not my fault that this plan didn’t come to fruition. These unethical practices aren’t cheap, you know,” said Mr. McGueber. “It’s also not like I am going to get arrested for this. What cop is going to believe that people were attacked by pumpkins?”

On Halloween night, Mr. McGueber had barely any pumpkin monsters for his crusade.

“Look, my plan was ruined. Now, I have to steal something boring like Halloween decorations to pay off my debts,” said Mr. McGueber. “Best believe that this will not hinder my crime spree at all.”

Mr. McGueber was promptly arrested after making these statements—not because of the attack, but his failure to show up for jury duty. This solidified the halting of his plans for holiday domination. Two days later, however, he was released from jail—back on the streets of Bellflower to cause more mischief and try, once more, to achieve world domination.

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

As the flu season begins, St. John Bosco High School has begun to install more hand sanitizer stations containing hand sanitizer that will only kill 98.99% of all germs, instead of hand sanitizer that kills 99.99% of all germs.

St. John Bosco High has received a $50,000 grant for the lackluster sanitizer from an organization called the Guild of Non-Heinous Actions (GNHA). The grant was given to the school on the condition that it doesn’t use sanitizer that kills more than 98.99% of germ. 

Bosco Principal Mr. Antonelli expressed his gratitude for this grant.

“To be honest, I was a bit skeptical that the GNHA wanted to give us this money only for hand sanitizer stations,” said Mr. Antonelli. “But, a grant is a grant!” 

The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions is a mysterious group that seems to focus on doing exclusively good actions in the community. Their new program, called “Schoolwide Helpers,” will help schools around the world, starting with Bosco.

The main group consists of a variety of members, led by Dr. Dictator. The group also includes members Mon-Knee, Red Delicious, Phu Punch, Rib-bit, Thee Manual and Mr. Finger.

The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions used to include notable Bosco villain Mr. McGueber, but the group later kicked him out for being evil. 

“The GNHA has been on a humongous decline ever since they kicked me out of their little club they had,” said Mr. McGueber. “St. John Bosco is my territory. I am the one who installed a doomsday device in the Thunderdome.”

Despite Mr. McGueber’s constant complaints, Bosco has already figured out where to put these hand sanitizer dispensers.

“We will put 26 of our 97 hand sanitizer dispensers in the Thunderdome – all in random spots – like in the middle of the basketball court,” said Mr. Antonelli. “We will place them wherever we feel like one should be.”

Many students are weirded out by the difference subtle difference in the new sanitizer, which led them to speculate how big the difference really is.

“I personally believe it smells way better than any other hand sanitizer,” said senior Nelson Maciendo.

Some students conjured up some unique ideas on what the difference is.

“I think you can blow it up like a balloon and use it as a yoga ball,” said senior Ilan Dubon.

While students have been guessing on what the difference is the head of the Guild of Non-Heinous Actions, Dr. Dictator, stated a simple answer. 

“There is no difference in either product; the chemicals are the same,” said Dr. Dictator. “It’s just our product—we get to call it whatever we want and you can’t stop us.” 

Some students also are suspicious about where they even got the money in the first place.

“It came from my bank account, since I am just so rich,” said the Treasurer of The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions, Mon-Knee.

Mr. McGueber had some choice words for this supposed grant.

“I don’t even know why you need that many hand sanitizer spots. There are plenty of restrooms with sinks. It’s not like these restrooms need high maintenance,” said Mr. McGueber. “Just go in and wash your hands with soap and water. It’s basic hygiene,” said Mr. McGueber

Dr. Dictator is very confident that this grant will change the school.

“This grant is one of the best and first grants [the GNHA] have ever done,” said Dr. Dictator 

“I don’t know what Mr. McGueber is complaining about, it’s not like he lives in the school,” he said.  “This why he was kicked out of our group. He is not even good at being evil! How does one even do that?”

Mr. McGueber coincidentally was around the area when Dr. Dictator said that and wasn’t very happy. He is also mad about the guild’s membership requirements, believing his expulsion from the group was unfair. 

“I was kicked out of the group as fast as Schoology kicks you out during an important test,” said Mr. McGueber.

Despite the backlash from Mr. McGueber, St. John Bosco is still going through with the grant and is expected to install these hand sanitizer stations over the next couple of weeks.