Lampoon: The Undisputed Top 10 Socially Distanced Thanksgiving Foods
by Nicholas Neoman
In a seemingly endless 2020, Thanksgiving is here! Finally! Perhaps the delicious, overpriced, half-eaten food that takes days to prepare can be the saving grace of a year than finds itself in the midst of a pandemic. Lest we forget, in a year where people are also struggling economically, but still find a way to spend large amounts of money on Thanksgiving dishes, only for a majority of it to end up as forgotten leftovers in the back of the fridge!
Turkey is by far the most classic Thanksgiving food. Several years ago, I had the honor of preparing that magnificent beast for cooking and the results were undesirable. Cleaning out the uncooked turkey was not only revolting but also nauseating. As I was cleaning out the cold flesh, I was holding off my desire to vomit. The pale, squishy meat made me squeal like a mouse. As I was carrying the Turkey from the sink, where it was cleaned, to a pan for it to be dressed and seasoned, I dropped it as it slipped from my grasp. The uncooked turkey went sliding through the kitchen and I went diving after it. After recleaning it and a tirade from my mother, the turkey was dressed, cooked, and finally ready to eat. Just like how I spent a good portion of that Thanksgiving isolated in my room in timeout for ruining a turkey, stay isolated in your homes this Thanksgiving – Coronavirus is on the rise!
Stuffing is probably Robin to turkey’s Batman. Always by turkey’s side, stuffing never finds a way onto my plate. One year, my sister decided to freshly make the bread and create her own stuffing. Little did she know that the bread went stale before she cooked it and the whole dish became inedible. In a frenzy, my sister and I whipped up a new batch of bread and remade the stuffing; however, this delayed Thanksgiving dinner by multiple hours. After finally finishing off the stuffing and warding off my hangry family, Thanksgiving dinner was finally finished. Similar to how I keep stuffing off my plate, keep away from events that could give you Covid.
Cranberry Sauce, keeping up with this Batman analogy, is the Joker of Batman’s turkey. I find that only a small fraction of people can eat this dish, and yet it somehow finds its way onto the dinner table every single year. The first time I remember eating cranberry sauce was in the much regretted Thanksgiving meal I had at my elementary school. At that meal, I tried it for the first time and it did not agree with my stomach. Later that evening, I had become ill from food poisoning that I am convinced came from that excuse for a Thanksgiving dish. Because of this horrifying experience, cranberry sauce is something im not a fan of. I have never been able to think about that tangy sauce without subconsciously vomiting. In fact, people dedicate whole websites and blogs to discuss their hatred for cranberry sauce. To protect yourself from allowing cranberry sauce and covid into your mouth, wear a mask whenever necessary – like when my mother tried to get me to eat cranberry sauce last year.
Green Bean Casserole would be, in my opinion, better off if it wasn’t made in a casserole format. Simply take green beans and boil them, and call it a day. I still can’t fathom how green beans pair with creamy sauces and onions. Probably the most revolting part of the dish is what my cousin did to the dish last Thanksgiving. My whole family was settling down for dinner when my youngest cousin started to look over all the food to be served. She suddenly sneezed on the green bean casserole which made my skin crawl. Surprisingly, the casserole didn’t look any worse. The mucous from the snot blended in with the nasty casserole. From then on, green bean casserole has never had a positive image in my head. Plan on distancing yourself from the revolting green bean casserole and others – six feet apart at all times! The revolting flavor of green bean casserole can’t touch you from six feet out!
Mashed Potatoes are the cornerstone of my Thanksgiving. I simply cannot get enough of them. It has a simple yet elegant flavor that just keeps me craving. The rich, creamy texture dissolves in my mouth. Some people turn to alcohol on Thanksgiving, others bet on football games, I have my mashed potatoes. This year, I have been practicing my culinary skills. School in Covid is, to put it in layman’s terms, boring. It has driven me to cook food, which I normally only eat. Anyway, this year I was making some mashed potatoes to practice for Thanksgiving, and it honestly looked half decent. It looked so good that my 10 pound dog even wanted a taste. I went to the bathroom and when I returned, I saw white creamy mashed potatoes on my dog’s nose. Afterward, he vomited for a good half hour. Unlike my dog, make the wise decision this year and stay at home.
Ham is by far the best leftover food. As someone who cannot stand leftovers because the quality of the food is lessened by half, ham is the one exception that I fell in love with. After a long meal of eating, I can barely look at food for the next three days. The only thing I like to eat is a nice ham sandwich from Thanksgiving pigs’ butt. I honestly have nothing else to say about ham – no funny stories, no burning the kitchen down. I honestly recommend getting one – unlike Covid, please welcome a roast ham into your home.
Sweet Potato Casserole is what I like to believe to be the greatest dish that “counts as an entree.” I mean it has the word casserole in it, so it must be an entree, right? Anyway, I personally think that a dish that is as sweet as pie deserves to be both a dessert and an entree. Technically Sweet potato is a vegetable and marshmallows are desserts – combine them and you have a superfood! One Thanksgiving, my mom placed a Costco order for sweet potatoes and instead of order 1, she mistakenly ordered 11. That Thanksgiving became known as the “Sweet Potato Infestation.” Everywhere I looked that Thanksgiving, I saw bright orange casseroles haunting me. I still have nightmares in which every corner I turn in my house, there is a sweet potato casserole lurking. However, its unchallenged flavor and remarkable texture make for a delightful Thanksgiving – one that you want to keep Covid out of.
Pumpkin Pie is much better than apple pie. This is probably the most controversial opinion since Bosco removed meatball sandwiches from the menu. I just don’t get how creamy, smooth, rich, and sweet pumpkin pie is even mentioned in the same sentence as apple pie. Hands down, the greatest place to get pumpkin pie is Costco. While I have never been an active enthusiast for any crust – pizza, pie, sandwiches (Uncrustables all the way) – Costco’s pumpkin pie filling is the greatest invention in the history of mankind. I have said it once and I’ll say it again, “I could literally eat pumpkin pie filling for the rest of my life if the nutritional values changed.” Legend has it that there was an eleventh amendment in the Bill of Rights stating that pumpkin pie must be eaten at every Thanksgiving. Anway, before I get into a Lincoln-Douglas debate over the peculiar institution of pumpkin pie, I humbly say to buy or make one if you can. Watch out at Costco though because hoarding is becoming a trend again – which I don’t understand because they’re taking toilet paper and paper towels and not my precious pumpkin pie.
Apple Pie is an extra in my humble, objective opinion. While half of Americans seem to love it, I simply don’t. Don’t get me wrong, it has a fantastic flavor and texture. But I personally think that apple pie wastes precious calories that could be spent on pumpkin pie. I think my family secretly despises me for this opinion. While they are all staunch activists of apple pie, I quietly stand in the corner, eating my pumpkin pie. To be fair, I have some very fond memories of apple pie. Once, my mom bought one pie from Marie Calendars the day before Thanksgiving. My uncle’s dog slipped into the kitchen and gobbled the entire thing. My mother believed that one of her four children ate this tragically disgusting apple pie. After receiving veiled threats, to actual threats, to threatening to not buy Christmas presents, my uncle’s dog vomited the pie. I think that part of the reason I hate apple pies is because it threatened my Christmas. Anyway, don’t let Covid become the next apple pie where it nearly destroyed my Christmas – wash your hands at all times.
Hot Chocolate is the masked singer of the list. No one saw it coming! Honestly, I have been drinking festive hot cocoa since September, but who’s keeping track? Hot chocolate is the most delicious drink in history. The milk takes on the rich flavor of chocolate while still keeping the creamy texture of milk. Hot chocolate keeps you warm on cold winter nights. It comforts you during the loss of a football game – as a Bears fan, I know what that feels like. Even when people say that you can eat your feelings, no one ever mentions drinking them away with hot cocoa! Take the time out of your day to make a nice soothing cup of cocoa and catch up on necessary precautions to help defend yourself from Covid.
As you might have noticed, the coronavirus has been on the minds of everyone at the Brave News. Please take care of yourself this weekend as Covid case rates are beginning to rise once again. Be weary at stores when buying groceries for Thanksgiving because hoarding is becoming a trend again. Wash your hands, socially distance, practice sanitary measures, and most importantly eat some pumpkin pie. On behalf of the Brave Press, have a wonderful Thanksgiving!