by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

As the flu season begins, St. John Bosco High School has begun to install more hand sanitizer stations containing hand sanitizer that will only kill 98.99% of all germs, instead of hand sanitizer that kills 99.99% of all germs.

St. John Bosco High has received a $50,000 grant for the lackluster sanitizer from an organization called the Guild of Non-Heinous Actions (GNHA). The grant was given to the school on the condition that it doesn’t use sanitizer that kills more than 98.99% of germ. 

Bosco Principal Mr. Antonelli expressed his gratitude for this grant.

“To be honest, I was a bit skeptical that the GNHA wanted to give us this money only for hand sanitizer stations,” said Mr. Antonelli. “But, a grant is a grant!” 

The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions is a mysterious group that seems to focus on doing exclusively good actions in the community. Their new program, called “Schoolwide Helpers,” will help schools around the world, starting with Bosco.

The main group consists of a variety of members, led by Dr. Dictator. The group also includes members Mon-Knee, Red Delicious, Phu Punch, Rib-bit, Thee Manual and Mr. Finger.

The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions used to include notable Bosco villain Mr. McGueber, but the group later kicked him out for being evil. 

“The GNHA has been on a humongous decline ever since they kicked me out of their little club they had,” said Mr. McGueber. “St. John Bosco is my territory. I am the one who installed a doomsday device in the Thunderdome.”

Despite Mr. McGueber’s constant complaints, Bosco has already figured out where to put these hand sanitizer dispensers.

“We will put 26 of our 97 hand sanitizer dispensers in the Thunderdome – all in random spots – like in the middle of the basketball court,” said Mr. Antonelli. “We will place them wherever we feel like one should be.”

Many students are weirded out by the difference subtle difference in the new sanitizer, which led them to speculate how big the difference really is.

“I personally believe it smells way better than any other hand sanitizer,” said senior Nelson Maciendo.

Some students conjured up some unique ideas on what the difference is.

“I think you can blow it up like a balloon and use it as a yoga ball,” said senior Ilan Dubon.

While students have been guessing on what the difference is the head of the Guild of Non-Heinous Actions, Dr. Dictator, stated a simple answer. 

“There is no difference in either product; the chemicals are the same,” said Dr. Dictator. “It’s just our product—we get to call it whatever we want and you can’t stop us.” 

Some students also are suspicious about where they even got the money in the first place.

“It came from my bank account, since I am just so rich,” said the Treasurer of The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions, Mon-Knee.

Mr. McGueber had some choice words for this supposed grant.

“I don’t even know why you need that many hand sanitizer spots. There are plenty of restrooms with sinks. It’s not like these restrooms need high maintenance,” said Mr. McGueber. “Just go in and wash your hands with soap and water. It’s basic hygiene,” said Mr. McGueber

Dr. Dictator is very confident that this grant will change the school.

“This grant is one of the best and first grants [the GNHA] have ever done,” said Dr. Dictator 

“I don’t know what Mr. McGueber is complaining about, it’s not like he lives in the school,” he said.  “This why he was kicked out of our group. He is not even good at being evil! How does one even do that?”

Mr. McGueber coincidentally was around the area when Dr. Dictator said that and wasn’t very happy. He is also mad about the guild’s membership requirements, believing his expulsion from the group was unfair. 

“I was kicked out of the group as fast as Schoology kicks you out during an important test,” said Mr. McGueber.

Despite the backlash from Mr. McGueber, St. John Bosco is still going through with the grant and is expected to install these hand sanitizer stations over the next couple of weeks.