MR. MCGUEBER TO RIVAL ST. JOHN BOSCO’S PRODUCTION OF JERSEY BOYS

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Untalented supervillain Mr. McGueber throws his hat into the drama scene with his own play.

Mr. McGueber has done some pretty weird activities in St. John Bosco. Now, he is trying his luck as a director and playwright.

Mr. McGueber is naming the new play I Forgot My Car Keys in My Car, which is set to rival St John Bosco’s newest theater production Jersey Boys. 

Many students, including the cast of Jersey Boys, don’t mind the competition.

“If the competition is Mr. McGueber, we don’t have to worry that much,” said junior William Pearce. “He has no real budget or even crew to help him set up all this stuff.” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER TO REFILL VENDING MACHINES ACROSS CAMPUS

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Devious supervillain Mr. McGueber to refill the empty vending machines across campus.

Mr. McGueber is no stranger to doing “evil” things around the St. John Bosco High School campus.

This time, he is on a mission to fill up the empty vending machines around campus, which have been out of use due to them being vandalized in various ways.

Many students are uncertain about really trusting Mr. McGueber out of all people to refill the machines.

“Every time Mr. McGueber does something nice for our school, it always ends up not working or being an extension of his evil plans,” said senior Jimmy Sigafoos. “There was the time with the hot chocolate sale, the whole social studies class fiasco and the plastic chicken incident.” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER GETS DRAFTED ONTO BOSCO’S BASKETBALL TEAM AHEAD OF PLAYOFFS

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Non-physically active super villain Mr. McGueber is to be drafted to St. John Bosco High School’s highly ranked basketball team.

Many students and players have shown their shock at the decision, since Mr. McGueber has shown to not be very athletic at all.

“Hey, put some respect on my name. I am a great basketball player,” said Mr. McGueber.

Mr. McGueber is now considered by the team to be the worst player ever. Despite this, Head Basketball Coach Matt Dunn explained why he drafted Mr. McGueber onto the basketball team.

“Look, he has the passion to play like Shaq and I feel he has the characteristics of an elite basketball player,” said Coach Dunn. “He also gave me some froyo to compensate.” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER TO RUN FOR WINTER FORMAL KING

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Earlier this week, as the Winter Formal event came up, the roster for Winter Formal King candidates was leaked. To many students’ surprise, a familiar name has popped up in the roster. Mr. McGueber is somehow one of the lucky individuals to appear on the list.

“I am so happy that I will be able to become Winter Formal King,” said Mr. McGueber. “Squaddle’s help of rigging the votes to my favor has finally paid off.”

Out of all the things Mr. McGueber has done, this seems to be one of the weirdest things. In fact, Mr. McGueber actually believes that becoming Winter Formal King will make him a real king.

“I will become Winter Formal King and unleash my frost powers onto my neighbor’s pool,” said Mr. McGueber. ”He thinks he is so cool because he has a pool and I don’t.” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER TO TEACH SOCIAL STUDIES AT ST. JOHN BOSCO

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Ill-famed villain Mr. McGueber aims to teach students about the wonders of Social Studies.

As students are now settling into the second semester and getting their classes, there is speculation about a new teacher joining the St. John Bosco family. 

The speculation was shot down on January 7th, when students received their class lists and saw that their new Social Studies teacher was Mr. McGueber. 

The title of the said course is called “Gueberism and You.”

“I’m going to teach kids about the real stuff they should learn in the world,” said Mr. McGueber. “I am going to be the best teacher that these students have seen.” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER TO SELL “HOT CHOCOLATE” TO SJB STUDENTS DURING FINALS WEEK

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Legendary St. John Bosco High School disruptor, Mr. McGueber, aims to sell hot chocolate to students during break to fund more devious schemes.

With finals week in full swing, Mr McGueber plans to capitalize on cold Winter mornings by selling his famous hot chocolate to students in the quad. The special hot chocolate costs only a dollar, plus a special tax set by Mr McGueber.

“Look, I’m taking a little break from being evil and giving back to the community by making them pay for said things,” said Mr. McGueber. “But I run a business here, so I can’t give stuff out for free.”

While this looks good in theory – being a nice way to calm students down during their stressful finals – students and staff have started to figure out that McGueber has some ulterior motives.

“When I saw that Mr McGueber was going to sell his special hot chocolate, I knew it was going to be some type of scam,” said senior Bruno Salsameda. “He got like $15 million from the Tyson fight. Why does he need more money?” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER TO MAKE BOXING DEBUT AGAINST MIKE TYSON IN ST. JOHN BOSCO’S QUAD AREA

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

In a desperate attempt to make some money, famed troublemaker Mr. McGueber challenges Mike Tyson to a boxing match.

Mr. McGueber is no stranger to finding weird ways to try and take over the world. Unfortunately, due to fines issued by The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions (GNHA), his company, Gueber Incorporated, has declared bankruptcy.

Mr. McGueber has expressed his anger at having to go through this experience.

“I didn’t even know that the [GNHA] could give me fines like that,” said Mr. McGueber. “They are literally just there to interfere with my plans.”

Due to this bankruptcy, Mr. McGueber cannot build his infamous gadgets to take over the world. 

“Despite my giant loss, I am happy that my sidekick, Squaddle, is still with me,” said Mr. McGueber. “I also don’t pay [Squaddle] at all, why should I?” FULL STORY

MR. MCGUEBER TRIES TO CREATE A BIO-ENHANCED PUMPKIN PATCH ARMY TO TAKE OVER HALLOWEEN

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Detested St. John Bosco villain, Mr. McGueber, planned on creating an army using bio-enhanced pumpkins to cause mischief on October 31st.

Mr. McGueber was up to his old antics of trying to take over the world. This time, he ditched actual world domination, shifting his focus toward taking over Halloween.

“Look, world domination hasn’t really worked out in the past,” said Mr. McGueber. “[Doing something smaller] is nice for a change.”

Using pumpkins he stole from Bishop’s Pumpkin Farm in Wheatland, California, Mr. McGueber bio-enhanced them and built a full-on army.

“I had to steal [the pumpkins]! No one was even guarding the place,” said Mr. McGueber. “So, you can blame [Bishop’s Pumpkin Farm] when I take over Halloween.” FULL STORY

BOSCO TO USE HAND SANITIZER THAT ONLY KILLS 98.99% OF GERMS

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

As the flu season begins, St. John Bosco High School has begun to install more hand sanitizer stations containing hand sanitizer that will only kill 98.99% of all germs, instead of hand sanitizer that kills 99.99% of all germs.

St. John Bosco High has received a $50,000 grant for the lackluster sanitizer from an organization called the Guild of Non-Heinous Actions (GNHA). The grant was given to the school on the condition that it doesn’t use sanitizer that kills more than 98.99% of germ. 

Bosco Principal Mr. Antonelli expressed his gratitude for this grant.

“To be honest, I was a bit skeptical that the GNHA wanted to give us this money only for hand sanitizer stations,” said Mr. Antonelli. “But, a grant is a grant!” 

The Guild of Non-Heinous Actions is a mysterious group that seems to focus on doing exclusively good actions in the community. Their new program, called “Schoolwide Helpers,” will help schools around the world, starting with Bosco. FULL STORY

BOSCO’S GYM TO BE USED TO POWER THE “ULTIMATE DOOMSDAY DEVICE”

by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Students have been alerted that international villain, Mr. McGueber, and his trusty sidekick, Squaddle, have been lent St. John Bosco High School’s Thunderdome to power their Ultimate Doomsday Device of Evil.

This cartoonishly large mechanical device has already been installed by Mr. McGueber and his crew and is being used to rip open the sky into another unknown universe. 

Basketball Head Coach Matt Dunn feels incredibly misled by the device’s installation. 

“We thought Mr. McGueber would install a froyo machine in the gym. Instead, he installed this massive doomsday device,” said Coach Dunn. “Now, we just have this big machine, impending doom and no froyo.”

Mr. McGueber has been nonstop bragging about how he was able to mislead everyone.

“I can’t believe I was able to finesse my ultimate doomsday device into this high school’s gym,” said Mr. McGueber. “Nobody is going to stop me from executing this plan.” FULL STORY

LAMPOON: THE FRIGHTFUL TALE OF THE SPIRIT OF ST. JOHN BOSCO

by Nicholas Neoman

Open on October 30, 2021

To whom it may concern,

I fear the worst. Saint John Bosco High School is in grave danger. The school has been home to an evil spirit, containing it for the past 82 years. By the time you read my letter, I will long be dead, but I implore that you heed my warning, for the spirit vowed to break free on All Hallows Eve of the year you are reading this letter. And so now, I shall tell you my woeful tale as to forewarn you never to step foot in what was to become the Bosco Bowling Alley…

Back then I was a spry, brash individual. As a great student and a quick learner, I wanted nothing more than to attend college, but because of the Depression I couldn’t afford my higher education. I figured I would take up a trade and fiscally save so as to one day be able to attend a university. At the time, the Salesians were hiring laborers to complete construction on an all-boys school in Bellflower, California. I was a hard worker, picking up extra shifts in order to make ends meet and save up for my college education.

But one fateful day changed my optimistic feeling.

It was Halloween and we had just ended our shift at the now almost complete Saint John Bosco High School. I began to clean up my work station when a strong wind from the east scattered all of my tools about. As I reorganized my tools and all the workers were preparing to leave, I heard a loud shriek come from what was supposed to be the Bosco Bowling Alley. I heard a menacing howl of terror come from the basement. I looked around at my co-workers, their faces pale from fright. None of us discovered the source of these evil sounds. After some time, we made a pact with each other, agreeing that we would send someone down if everyone paid five dollars to that individual. I mistakenly volunteered myself. I was rash in my decision, seeing this as an opportunity to save some extra money for my college tuition. I remain regretful for my immaturity to this very day. FULL STORY

Genius Students Learn How To Multi Task And Keep Hands-On Learning Alive During Virtual Learning

by John Udabe

Every single school year, the best and brightest students always stand out and excel. Now students are not just learning inside and outside of the classroom…but they are doing just that at the same time.

Students are appearing to be even smarter and more creative this year (even though their 56% in a gradebook may suggest otherwise). The fact of the matter is that students are evolving and adapting at an overwhelming pace.

This year has been different from other years for obvious reasons, yet students all across the country are improvising, adapting, and overcoming. Zoom classes have been shown to be tough, as students have to learn at a distance. Yet students are not letting that stop them from learning through hands-on activities, or letting that stop them from taking care of daily activities. FULL STORY.

The Undisputed Top 10 Socially Distanced Thanksgiving Foods

by Nicholas Neoman

In a seemingly endless 2020, Thanksgiving is here! Finally! Perhaps the delicious, overpriced, half-eaten food that takes days to prepare can be the saving grace of a year than finds itself in the midst of a pandemic. Lest we forget, in a year where people are also struggling economically, but still find a way to spend large amounts of money on Thanksgiving dishes, only for a majority of it to end up as forgotten leftovers in the back of the fridge!

Turkey is by far the most classic Thanksgiving food. Several years ago, I had the honor of preparing that magnificent beast for cooking and the results were undesirable. Cleaning out the uncooked turkey was not only revolting but also nauseating. As I was cleaning out the cold flesh, I was holding off my desire to vomit. The pale, squishy meat made me squeal like a mouse. As I was carrying the Turkey from the sink, where it was cleaned, to a pan for it to be dressed and seasoned, I dropped it as it slipped from my grasp. The uncooked turkey went sliding through the kitchen and I went diving after it. After recleaning it and a tirade from my mother, the turkey was dressed, cooked, and finally ready to eat. Just like how I spent a good portion of that Thanksgiving isolated in my room in timeout for ruining a turkey, stay isolated in your homes this Thanksgiving – Coronavirus is on the rise! FULL STORY.

“Quarantine Life” With Brave Staff Writer Joshua Whitfield ’20

by Joshua Whitfield

Staying at home gives me and many others what we’ve always wanted, to become one with our inner introverted selves and do nothing. Now after a month at least I am fed up with it, I now have cabin fever and it will very soon become insatiable until I can see someone other than the same 4 people I see every waking moment of every day.

I have done what no man, woman, or child has ever attempted since the years of streaming tv shows and movies online became popular. I have finished my queue, My List, whatever you want to call it, my infinite pit of entertainment has run dry. I started off small by adding maybe one or two shows and think “Oh I can binge this next weekend”, but never realized I have made a fatal mistake. I created a queue that I was continuously adding to week in and week out of things to eventually watch, but before quarantine, I knew I was never going to catch up on all of this seeing as how I didn’t have the free time as I do now. But, once quarantine started I started trying to catch up, this was my opportunity to indulge in this impossible challenge I have made for myself. The challenge was to catch up on all my shows and movies, which added up to about 50 TV shows and movies altogether. Yet soon enough the one all-nighter of binging I did turned into multiple nights on a somewhat consistent basis, sometimes even consecutive all-nighters were thrown into the mix as if I couldn’t mess up my sleep schedule enough. But now one month into quarantine I finished over 30 movies and around 15-20 TV series. Once I completed the mission I set out for, I realized that quarantine now sucks even more than before. FULL STORY

“Quarantine Life” With Brave Staff Writer Alex Rotter ’20

by Alex Rotter

I’m writing from where I’ve been for the last three weeks: my boring house in La Palma. First of all, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my senior year at home playing Fortnite. I’ve gotten a couple of DUBS in the past few weeks, but the teammates I play with make me rage a lot. Plus, I’m always talking trash about their skills, or lack thereof.

I haven’t just been sedentary this entire time, though. I’ve also been doing a lot of “at-home workouts,” and frankly, it can get pretty extreme, especially when I start yelling for no apparent reason. I’ve been trying to push myself to get a better body, so I can impress more girls over the Summer, if that even happens. To be clear, the screaming is a total non sequitur to courting girls. That’s just something I’ve been doing, and I hope it doesn’t carry back over into public life once my quarantine is over.

Sometimes living with my family can get a little weird, especially my mom. She’s been understandably paranoid about the COVID-19 outbreak, but she’s gotten stricter than ever. When I go outside to do something and forget to leave my shoes outside, she will flip. Also, when I get food delivered, she’s constantly telling me to take it out of the box because the “COVID-19 is in there.” FULL STORY

DNA Anomaly or Reincarnation? Coach McIntosh’s DNA linked to St. John Bosco

by Isaiah Holm and Timothy Levine

Once thought to have no biological descendants, results from a DNA test prove that there may be another Don Bosco out there.

Ancestry.com, one of the largest genealogy companies in the world, has recently found a direct link between St. John Bosco High School’s very own Coach McIntosh and the founder of the Salesian order, St. John Bosco.

This is surprising news as Bosco was a priest that was known to have no children or direct descendants. One could surmise that the DNA comes from one of his siblings. However, there are no other links in DNA from previous generations prior to Coach McIntosh, making this connection improbable and what makes it seem nearly impossible is the fact that the DNA is 100 percent identical.

Margo Georgiadis, CEO of Ancestry.com, believes this to be some sort of DNA anomaly. FULL STORY