by Augustus Rodriguez, Lampoon Editor

Devious supervillain Mr. McGueber to refill the empty vending machines across campus.

Mr. McGueber is no stranger to doing “evil” things around the St. John Bosco High School campus.

This time, he is on a mission to fill up the empty vending machines around campus, which have been out of use due to them being vandalized in various ways.

Many students are uncertain about really trusting Mr. McGueber out of all people to refill the machines.

“Every time Mr. McGueber does something nice for our school, it always ends up not working or being an extension of his evil plans,” said senior Jimmy Sigafoos. “There was the time with the hot chocolate sale, the whole social studies class fiasco and the plastic chicken incident.”

Many students usually don’t care about what Mr. McGueber does around the school, but are now questioning why he is doing it all of a sudden.

“Can you guys stop hating on my new business model? Like, give it a chance,” said Mr. McGueber. “I have to pay off fines that the Guild of Non-Heinous Actions gave me for trying to literally steal their clients.”

New footage from the Campus Store security cameras show why Mr. McGueber is randomly refilling the vending machines. 

The video showcases Mr. McGueber and a person called “Mr. Shank,” in which Mr. McGueber did some unspeakable things to Mr. Shanks’s candy bar.

This has now led him to be banned from not only the campus store, but the student store as well, to stop Mr. McGueber from doing unspeakable things to their products.

“Look, the darn [Campus Store] didn’t have my style of what I feel food should taste like,” said Mr. McGueber. “[Mr. Shank] didn’t know what true taste is, so I gave my very own Gueber-style to his candy bar.”

In the light of it all, Mr. McGueber has been able to release information about what will be in each vending machine.

It’s also known that Mr. McGueber is a cheapskate, and will not actually buy the name brands of students favorite snack brands.

“Look, these snacks are expensive so I have done the liberty of making new snacks for students to enjoy,” said Mr. McGueber.

These “snacks” include a block of Vegemite, candy corn teeth, cheap deodorant, elephant paste and an old shoe. 

While not all of the snacks have been revealed, the ones that have been revealed certainly set some students off.

“I do love some Vegemite, but I can’t eat the cheap deodorant or the old shoe,” said senior Emmanuel Garcia. “How am I supposed to eat them without a glass of warm milk?”

Speaking of drinks, Mr. McGueber has got it all covered with his new line of drinks, sold in the machines.

These drinks include motor oil in a glass, roof gutter run-off, cheese milk, liquid lead, blue liquid and a nice tall bottle of whatever gunk comes from the walls of Mr. McGueber’s lair.

Now, students aren’t as surprised at the selection, but rather the high cost of said snacks, seemingly for no reason.

“I wanted to get some elephant paste to fill up one of my teacher’s classrooms, but I found it very expensive,” said senior Matthew Oliva. “I almost had to pay 60 dollars for only a bit of the paste.”

All of the vending machines will have those set snacks and drinks.

In fact, Mr. McGueber believes there is no need for competition, and that he will overtake the snack competition. 

“Look, students are not going to wait in a line for some snacks. They want them fast,” said Mr. McGueber. “I am making students pay more because I need it for the bills and fines I have to pay.”

This weird adjustment is now giving students some devious plans to prank their friends and teachers.

“Once I find the time, I will lubricate the 200 building floors with the Vegemite,” said senior Kamden Patel. “It’s going to smell so bad.”

Many teachers know about this and are going against Mr. McGueber’s products.

Teachers like Dr. Francesca Po, Bosco’s Coordinator of Youth Ministry and a theology instructor, have been unexpectedly hit hard by Mr. McGueber’s products.

“I had to clean up my rooms a total of ten times due to students bringing in elephant paste and it erupting in the middle of a lesson,” said Dr. Po. “Some students start mixing the products like they are scientists. That’s how I found out that roof gutter run-off and cheap deodorant are a deadly combo.” 

When questioned about why they chose Mr. McGueber to refill the vending machines, Ms. Jen Schnorr, Bosco’s Vice Principal of Student Affairs, gave a shocking answer.

“We never got a heads-up from him; he just started doing it.” said Ms. Schnorr. “We’ll let [Mr. McGueber] do his own thing, since we were never going to fill up the vending machines anyway.”

Despite the protest from teachers and some students, St. John Bosco is still allowing Mr. McGueber to fill up the vending machines.